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The Grand Whatchamacallit: A Messy, Honest Review (and My Slightly Sanitized Stay)
Alright, buckle up, buttercups, because I'm diving headfirst into reviewing the, ahem, “Grand Whatchamacallit.” Okay, so maybe that's not the actual name, but after a week of navigating this place, the real name feels… well, a bit too polished. Let's be honest, this review’s going to be less a pristine brochure and more a collection of slightly chaotic observations, interspersed with the occasional existential crisis.
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Accessibility: The Great Leveller (and My Near-Miss with a Ramp)
Okay, so let's start with the important stuff: Accessibility. The Grand Whatchamacallit claims to be aces in this department. Wheelchair accessible is ticked, which is great, and they have Facilities for disabled guests. BUT (and there’s always a but, isn’t there?)… Remember that ramp leading to the main restaurant? Nearly ate it. Let's just say the gradient was… ambitious. Made me appreciate my two perfectly functional legs, but not for long. The good news is, the elevator is there and working! I needed it after that ramp incident (Dramatic pause).
- On-site accessible restaurants / lounges: Yup, checked those boxes. Good job, guys.
- Exterior corridor = easier access for some, which is a plus.
On-Site Goodies: A Buffet of Experiences (and a Side of Existential Dread)
This place is PACKED with stuff. I'd say "it's got it all," but "it's got a lot of it" is more accurate.
- "Things to do" & "Ways to relax:" Where do I even begin? Let's see; Spa/sauna (tried the sauna - nice, but I sweat more in a nervous breakdown), Steamroom, Massage (yes, please! Though I nearly snored through the whole thing), Body wrap, Body scrub. The pool with a view? Stunning. Seriously, breathtaking. Though, the view made me contemplate the vastness of the universe and my place in it, which, honestly, is not that relaxing.
- Swimming pool & Swimming pool [outdoor]: Yep, both, and they're decent! Crowded, but decent.
- Poolside bar: Essential for philosophical musings and day drinking.
- Fitness center/ Gym/fitness: Looked impressive. I, however, stuck to the "relaxing" part of "Things to do." Don't judge!
- Access to all of these is generally easy.
Internet: The Modern-Day Parable of the Fast-Food Wi-Fi
Okay, the Internet situation is… complicated.
- Wi-Fi [free] in all rooms? Glory be! Except, sometimes it's more like slow-fi. I spent a good hour trying to upload a selfie to Instagram. The struggle is real, people. The Internet [LAN] option is available. I didn’t use it. Frankly, the idea of plugging in reminded me of my (failed) attempts to connect with humanity.
- Wi-Fi in public areas (yes) but the speed is variable. The lobby is a good location to try your luck.
- Internet services (yes) but ask for the speed of it.
Cleanliness & Safety: The Sanitized Bubble of Modern Life (and a Near-Panic Attack)
The Grand Whatchamacallit takes COVID-19 safety seriously. Too seriously, maybe?
- Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, Professional-grade sanitizing services, Rooms sanitized between stays, Sterilizing equipment, etc. Honestly, the air smelled a little bit like a hospital… combined with a faint hint of lemon. I almost had an anxiety attack the moment I saw the mask on the staff, and the sanitizing of everything. On the other hand, you know you're (probably) safe.
- Hand sanitizer stations everywhere: a welcome sight.
- Individually-wrapped food options… well, it’s practical.
- Physical distancing of at least 1 meter is enforced (which, in my opinion, is generally a good thing).
- Room sanitization opt-out available - good, because I felt like I was living in a science experiment.
- Staff trained in safety protocol: Yep, they were definitely trained… and occasionally a bit robotic in their helpfulness.
- Safe dining setup, Sanitized kitchen and tableware items - I had to double check that the utensils were cleaned
- Hygiene certification: I did see one!
- Hand sanitizer - everywhere!
- Hot water linen and laundry washing - good thing
Dining, Drinking & Snacking: A Gastronomic Adventure (or My Stomach's Near-Death Experience)
Food! Ah, the great equalizer.
- Restaurants: Multiple, which is great.
- A la carte in restaurant, Breakfast [buffet], Buffet in restaurant: A mixed bag. The buffet was… overwhelming. So many choices! (Cue existential dread, Part Two). I also tried the Vegetarian restaurant (yes, the food was good.)
- Asian cuisine in restaurant, International cuisine in restaurant, Western cuisine in restaurant: The diversity made me want to cry.
- Room service [24-hour]: Lifesaver.
- Coffee/tea in restaurant & Coffee shop: Adequate.
- Bar and Happy hour: YES! Because, well, see "Existential Dread."
- Snack bar and Bottle of water: Always appreciated.
- Desserts in restaurant: I might have had a little too much.
- Alternative meal arrangement: they did their best.
- Breakfast takeaway service: the convenience of it!
- Soup in restaurant & Salad in restaurant: They offer some healthy options to make up for my excess.
- Poolside bar: a must-have on a hot day.
Services & Conveniences: A Whirlwind of Options (and My Credit Card's Tears)
So many things! Seriously, this place tries to cover everything:
- Air conditioning in public area & Air conditioning: Essential. Unless you enjoy being a sweaty mess (I don't).
- Cash withdrawal - useful.
- Concierge: Efficient.
- Contactless check-in/out: Smooth, thankfully.
- Currency exchange - can't get more convenient.
- Daily housekeeping: My room always looked like a hurricane after a week!
- Doorman: Always a friendly face.
- Elevator: Thank goodness.
- Facilities for disabled guests: Good.
- Food delivery: Helpful (especially when you're hiding from the world's buffet).
- Gift/souvenir shop: For impulse buys.
- Invoice provided - yes
- Ironing service & Ironing facilities: Thank God as well
- Laundry service: Lifesaver.
- Luggage storage: Easy.
- Meetings: I did not have any.
- Meeting/banquet facilities, Indoor venue for special events, Outdoor venue for special events, and Wi-Fi for special events: seems like a good location for an event.
- Safety deposit boxes - nice to have.
- Smoking area: Because someone has to.
- Terrace: Beautiful.
- Babysitting service, Family/child friendly, and Kids facilities: Good for families.
Rooms: My Personal Oasis (with a Few Quirks)
And finally, the rooms. Pretty good overall:
- Available in all rooms, Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathrobes: Standard luxury.
- Bathroom phone, Bathtub: Nice to have.
- Blackout curtains = a MUST.
- Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea: Always welcomed.
- Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water: The essentials.
- Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box: Good features.
- Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace: All available!
- Linens, Mini bar, Mirror: Check.
- Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light: All present.
- Refrigerator: Useful.
- Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers: Nice add-ons.
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because this ain't your sterile, perfectly-formatted travel itinerary. This is a lived itinerary, a glorious train wreck of a schedule, fueled by caffeine, questionable decisions, and the unwavering spirit to survive a trip to Rahway, New Jersey. Specifically, to the soul-crushing, yet potentially redeeming, heart of the Home2 Suites. (God, I'm already judging this place, and I haven't even unpacked.)
Pre-Rahway Mental Prep & Pre-Trip Freakout (Days Before)
Day -3: Panic Mode Activated. Realize I booked the trip, but haven't actually planned the trip. Cue existential dread. Google "Rahway, NJ things to do." Discover…not a lot. Mild panic intensifies. Start obsessing over online reviews of the Home2 Suites. Apparently, the breakfast is "meh." This is unacceptable. Breakfast is the cornerstone of a good trip!
Day -2: The Packing Purge. Attempt to pack. Overestimate the number of outfits I'll need. End up with three pairs of the same black pants (because, comfort is key, alright?). Contemplate bringing a portable espresso machine. Decide against. (Too needy. Too much luggage.)
Day -1: Travel Day Eve Anxiety. Watch a documentary about bed bugs. Regret everything. Triple-check reservation. Mentally rehearse asking the front desk for a room not near the ice machine. (Priorities, people!) Obsessively refresh the weather app. Predict a thunderstorm. Of course.
The Rahway Rumble: Home2 Suites & Beyond (The Actual Trip!)
Day 1: Arrival & Initial Assessment (Plus, Existential Breakfast Woes)
Time: 2:00 PM - Arrive at Home2 Suites. Pray for a parking spot. (Success! Victory!) Immediately scan the lobby for cleanliness and judging smiles on the staff. The front desk person seems pleasant enough, her name tag says "Brenda." Brenda is my first impression barometer. So far, so good.
3:00 PM: Unpack. The room smells faintly of cleaning product and… sadness? (Dramatic, I know.) Survey the view. It's… a parking lot. My soul weeps.
3:30 PM: Deep dive into the room. Discover surprisingly modern decor. Not bad, Home2, not bad. The weird orange accent wall, though… still processing. Test the bed. Crucial for a good stay, right? So far, comfortable enough to collapse on it after a long travel day.
4:00 PM-ish: Forced leisure. Sit in silence. Stare out the window. Stare at the tv. I realize that i should have brought some snacks. What was I thinking?
6:00 PM: Attempt to leave the hellhole known as Home2 to walk around. The wind is blowing and noone is out. I walk for 10 minutes and turn around because I'm cold and I have no idea where I'm going. Back to the room.
7:00 PM - 9:00 PM: Order takeout. Contemplate the menu for an hour. "Is this what my life has become?" I wonder. The pizza arrives. It's mediocre. Devour it anyway. It's food.
9:30 PM: The bed. I get under the covers and prepare to sleep.
Day 2: Delving into the Depths of Rahway (Or, as Much as I Can Stand)
7:00 AM - 8:00 AM: The Breakfast Blunder. Brace myself for the dreaded "continental breakfast." The "meh" reviews were correct. Stale pastries, questionable coffee, and a microwave-warmed egg puck. (Insert screaming emoji here.) I take two bites of a muffin, and vow to find a real breakfast spot.
9:00 AM: Venture out. Explore the town's history. Or, I try to. Find a historical plaque, take a picture, get distracted by a stray cat and end up chatting with a local about their pet turtle for an hour. (This is how my life works.)
11:00 AM: Lunch. Find a diner. It's filled with locals, which is a good sign, right? Order the patty melt. It's heavenly. (Finally, some redemption!)
1:00 PM - 4:00 PM: Rahway Arts and Exploration. I was thinking of visiting the local theatre. I hate theatre. Maybe I'll just take a long nap. Or maybe I'll just re-watch my favorite show on Netflix.
4:30 PM : I am bored. So, so bored. Start a jigsaw puzzle in the room. Regret it immediately.
7:00 PM: Dinner. Try a local restaurant (if I can find one that isn't closed on a Tuesday.)
9:00 PM: Back to the room. Contemplate the meaning of life and the sheer magnitude of existential boredom. I consider my next adventure.
Day 3: Farewell to Rahway (And the End of the Line…Probably for Breakfast)
7:00 AM: Another horrifying breakfast. Drink the rest of the coffee.
8:00 AM: Pack. Check for bed bugs (shudders). Assess belongings.
9:00 AM: Last walk around. Find nothing new.
9:30 AM Check out of the Home2 Suites. Say goodbye to Brenda.
10:00 AM: Travel home, relieved to escape Rahway, New Jersey, and simultaneously feeling a bizarre sense of… fondness? (Maybe I'm going crazy.)
Ongoing: Reflect on the trip. Realize that despite the imperfections, the meh breakfast, and the existential angst, it was an experience. And maybe, just maybe, that's what travel is all about.
Post-Trip Debrief (Ongoing)
- Remember: The patty melt. The cat. And the fact that I survived.
- Next time: Pack better snacks. And maybe a therapist.
- Overall: Home2 Suites Rahway? It's a place. Rahway? It exists. And now, so does the memory. And that's enough, for now.
1. Okay, what IS this whole "FAQ Thing"? Like, seriously, explain it like I’m five (or maybe, like, me after a triple espresso).
Alright, picture this: you got questions. I (supposedly) got answers. It's like, a Q&A session, but instead of a stuffy podium, it's just my chaotic brain spilling onto the internet. Think of it like a choose-your-own-adventure book, but instead of finding a treasure, you're wading through *my* personal treasure trove of…well, mostly just *stuff*. And the "FAQ" part just stands for "Frequently Asked Questions" – even if *nobody* has actually asked them. I'm preemptively answering the questions I *think* people might have about…well, *me*.
Oh, and the `
2. So, what’s the deal with… well, *you*? Who are you, exactly? (Besides spectacularly unqualified to answer this, apparently)?
This is where I kind of stumble, to be honest. I'm, um, a *person*. Yeah, that's… a safe bet. I'm the slightly-too-caffeinated voice in your head, the one that whispers cynical thoughts about the world and the things you're *absolutely* doing wrong. I'm the train wreck you can't help but watch. I'm the person who cries at commercials AND at the opening scene of *Up*. Don't judge me!
I'm also trying to figure out how to adult. It's a work in progress. Mostly, it's a lot of forgetting where my keys are, worrying about the laundry, and occasionally managing to eat something that isn't ramen. And, you know, occasionally have ideas. Some good, some... well, maybe not. It's the human experience, in all its messy, glorious, and often embarrassing glory.
And on the side? I love dogs, hate doing dishes, and believe that the best ice cream is always the one with the most chocolate.
3. What's your *biggest* flaw? Be honest. I mean, I'm betting it's not *just* the inability to stay on topic... Right? 😉
Okay, okay. Fine. Where do I *start*? I'm a master procrastinator. Like, Olympic-level. I can put off things so effectively that I've considered writing a book about it. The book would, of course, never be finished because, well... you get the picture.
Also? I tend to overthink *everything*. Like, the other day, I spent a solid hour debating the philosophical implications of a rogue squirrel. A *squirrel*! And let's not forget the slightly unhealthy attachment to my favorite pair of sweatpants. They’re practically a second skin at this point. I'm pretty sure they're sentient now, just judging all my life choices. But my *biggest* flaw? Probably the crippling self-doubt mixed with an inflated ego. It's a wild ride, let me tell you.
4. Have you had any *epic* failures? Lay 'em on me. Dish the dirt! (Because, you know, commiseration is key.)
Oh, honey, where do I even begin? I once tried to bake a cake for a friend's birthday. I'm talking, like, the *full* Martha Stewart, three-tiered monstrosity with fondant and everything. I spent *days* on it. Weeks, it felt like! The kitchen looked like a war zone. I burned myself with the hot glue gun (don't ask). I cried. I almost rage-quit baking forever. Then the final cake... collapsed. It fell over the moment it was finally 'finished,' right before the party. I ended up running to the store to grab a generic grocery store cake, feeling utterly defeated and covered in powdered sugar from said cake. My friend, bless her heart, laughed. I still can't look at a cake without feeling a little stab of pain. The fondant was terrible, by the way. *Terrible.*
And I once tried to dye my hair a "subtle" shade of purple. It turned out… *vivid*. Like, Barney the Dinosaur had a baby with a punk rocker. Let's just say, it didn't go over well with my conservative aunt. I'm pretty sure she still thinks I'm possessed.
Oh, and then there was the time I tried to learn the tango and tripped over my own feet in front of an entire dance studio. Twice. I swear, gravity has a personal vendetta against me. But hey! Those epic fails, they're good stories, right? And they've taught me that, like, sometimes, you just gotta laugh at yourself.
5. If you could have *any* superpower, what would it be? (And don't say "the ability to eat an entire pizza without gaining weight," because, like, same.)
Okay, pizza-related superpowers aside (tempting though they are), I'd want the ability to… *pause* time. Not freeze it. Pause it. You know, like, I could hit pause on a particularly awkward conversation, or maybe just pause the world to savor a truly excellent cup of coffee. Or maybe, just maybe, to get an extra hour of sleep! Think of the possibilities! Imagine the naps!
Mostly though? I could use it for the small things. To really *look* at things. To appreciate the little moments that often get lost in the daily grind. And maybe, just maybe, to rewind certain... *ahem*... *situations* from my past. You know, the ones that keep me up at 3 AM?
6. What's something you're *passionate* about? (Besides, you know, complaining, judging people, and avoiding responsibility. 😉)
Okay, putting on my serious face here… I'm passionate about stories. Hearing them, telling them, reading them, writing them, even just *breathing* them. Real stories. The messy beautiful, terrifyingly human kind of stories. Whether that's some epic fantasy novel I'm devouring, a conversation I had with a stranger on the bus, or creating my own. Stories teach us, offer us empathy, and let us feel a little less alone in this crazy world. They're a lifeline. And honestly, I think that's pretty damn amazing.
